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Steelheading for Dummies
Brad
Miller
How To Use This Primer:
The information presented is intended to simplify
this all too mystifying sport. Indeed, the very word
“steelhead” conjures images of spectacular leaps,
screaming reels, and torqued flyrods. The basic
premise is this: If you are actually interested in
beginning or continuing in a sport where the
potential for success is nil, you at least deserve
to know something about the fish, equipment, and
destinations.
In this way you can at least talk a good game,
since talking is all most people do anymore about
steelhead. Armed with the information below, you can
boldly complain with even the most seasoned critics.
Yes, you can lambaste the sorry state of affairs and
point fingers hither and yon. And you can
confidently join the ranks of the disgruntled now
plying empty waterways in search of yesteryear.
The Fish:
In the Midwest, a steelhead is reportedly a
migratory rainbow trout (salmo gardinerii) spending
the majority of its life in the big water and
spawning in tributary streams. They migrate alright,
right out of Lake Superior! Since no one has
actually seen a real steelhead in the last ten years
on the North Shore, their identity (and their
existence) is speculative. A century ago, somebody
had the bright idea of tossing a bunch of big
pacific rainbows into the Great Lakes.
True steelhead have existed in Lake Superior for
one hundred years and sustained natural populations
in some areas. In the last twenty years a dramatic
decline in these “wild” stocks occurred. The reasons
for the demise is multi-factorial and the resultant
politics spawn vehemence among opposing factions.
Depleted natural fish are being supplanted by
hybridized and genetically inferior fish, satisfying
the needs of few.
The Equipment:
Rods: Extremely overpriced graphite rods
in the $400-$600 range are the choice of most
serious steelheaders. The exorbitant cost reflects
enhanced sensitivity needed to discriminate between
a snag and a bite. (Fun Fact: It is
impossible to differentiate between a snag and a
bite.) These space age rods do however have some
advantages. They retard the development of arthritis
in the arm and shoulder after a weekend of setting
the hook 837 times on rocks, logs, and assorted
flotsam (or was it jetsam?).
Vest: Large bulky vests are favored over
the shorter Yuppie versions. For sure, a well
regarded vest is a battered story book of blood,
sweat, and slime. Keep to the following colors:
faded brown and faded green. Avoid the following
colors: Taupe, Mauve, Buff, and Teal. Vests should
be festooned with all matter of dangling
paraphernalia. Here are the most important items:
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Scissors: For
cutting the gobs of monofilament strewn by other
steelhead aficionados. Scissors should
not be used to trim your own monofilament - what
do you think your teeth are for?
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Hemostat: (Also
known as roach holders in some circles)
Keep this tool handy in the rare case
the unexpected actually occurs: Someone stops by
with a remnant “doobie” to help pass the time.
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Flashlight:
For enlightenment during the pre-dawn foot race
to the “hot spot” where some guy purportedly
hooked-up the previous day.
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Nets:
Since you’ll never need a net to actually land a
fish, they are largely part of the fabled
adornment, a symbol of optimism. They are best
used to cool off a few beers for the mid-morning
break. Two models are popular and each makes its
own statement.
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Short handled
models
- strapped on the back. You know, the kind that
catch on brush and jerk you off your feet during
the pre-dawn races. These nets repeatedly
garrote the proud possessors and the resultant
wounds can be used when filing false worker’s
compensation, domestic abuse, and personal
liability claims.
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Long handled models are preferred,
provided they are worn properly. Worn,
you say? Yes, these nets must accompany
oversized chest waders and should be wedged
(handle-first, of course) deep into one of the
pant legs. The waders should be fastened with
one strap only, allowing the other to dangle
provocatively. Not only does this present an
envious profile on the river, but personal
injury is guaranteed should poor footing cause
the angler to take flight.
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Pliers:
For popping beer can tabs when your fingers are
frozen. Pliers should not be used to crimp lead
shot - what do you think your teeth are for?
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Zingers:
These are the shock cord, retractable devices
pinned to the vest to which some of the
aforementioned are attached. They are especially
favored by ophthalmologists and orthodontists
who repair the injuries incurred when zingers
catch, extend, and snap back about the face and
head.
The Jargon:
Phrases: The colorful slang and jargon is
extremely important to the fabric of the experience.
We include phrases and selected definitions. Only
rote repetition will eventuate into a smooth and
natural delivery of these “must” phrases.
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1. “Man, the DNR’s really got this whole
thing all screwed up!”
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2. “This taconite spill should bring up the
river and trigger a push of fresh fish!”
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3. “This river was tits in the sixties!”
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4. “Pink yarn and Dr. Juice...is the answer!”
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5. “I hit and rolled two - never saw ‘em.”
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6. “I guess they really kicked ass here last
week.”
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7. “It’s just great to be out here . . . don’t
you think?”
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8. “Never touched a fish all day.”
Terms: Here are some colloquial gems that
exude experience and authority.
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1. Fudgie:
n. Any of a species of blaze-orange clad,
trash-wielding locals, normally seen walking the
river’s edge in search of active spawning beds.
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2. Goik:
v. Also foul or snag. The most common technique
used for hooking steelhead and salmon.
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3. Rip:
v. A fast upward thrust of the fly rod so as to
set the hook. Also, a term describing the most
common reaction when feeling your line move
across a fish.
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4. Duluth Steelheader:
n. Any of a species of surly and snobbish
anglers generally found on Wisconsin and
Michigan rivers. They often exhibit
pack-like behavior both on and off the river. Do
not be concerned with encountering this species
on the North Shore (not part of their current
range).
Where to go:
See Duluth Steelheader.
Alternate activities:
Steelheading offers an excellent opportunity to
discover and experience new activities. When the
boredom of the sport finally sets in, you might as
well enjoy other, more exciting hobbies. Along with
your fishing equipment, don’t forget:
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Identification and Guide Books
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Wild birds
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Wild plants & shrubs
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Rocks & Minerals
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Yuppie Garment Guide
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Binoculars or spotting scope
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Playing cards and poker chips
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Basket weaving kit
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Knitting materials
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The “Count the Cars” game
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The “Count the Telephone poles” game
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“Handicap Parking Sign” do-it-yourself kit
Epilogue
To paraphrase from the great land ethic
philosopher Aldo Leopold,
“. . . There exists
perhaps no greater futility in this world than the
pursuit of steelhead in the 1990’s. Those looking to
fully appreciate the true essence of boredom will
surely embrace this ignoble endeavor with all
deliberate speed.”
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